Recent Entries

Current Mood: anxious
Current Music: MK Harper - Out By The River

heading out

leaving for the assessment in about an hour.

they sent me detailed instructions. what building to go to. where to park. what to bring (ID, insurance card even though they said insurance won't be billed).

very thorough. very professional.

i'm probably overthinking this.

it's just cognitive tests and maybe a brain scan. one afternoon. then i get $500 and maybe some answers about why my brain doesn't respond to stuff like everyone else's.

sarah texted me "good luck!" with a bunch of smiley faces.

okay. going to finish this coffee and head out.

will update tonight.

Current Mood: indescribable
Current Music: Shifty - Overtaken

research rabbit hole

spent way too much time today trying to figure out where i've heard "miter corporation" before.

searched online. they're a huge conglomerate. like HUGE. they own a bunch of subsidiaries. neural interface research? idk "cognitive science" stuff.

very corporate. very legitimate looking.

but i KNOW i've heard that name before. recently.

checked my emails. my files. my bookmarks. nothing.

it's like it's right there in my brain but i can't access it.

anyway.

i called them back. told them i'd do the assessment.

appointment is thursday afternoon.

i made them email me confirmation with all the details. got the researcher's full name (Dr. Patricia Kemper). looked her up - she's real, has published papers and everything.

told sarah where i'll be and what time. told her if i don't text by 6pm to call me.

she said i'm being dramatic but agreed to do it anyway.

probably nothing. probably just a normal research study.

but i'm bringing my pager just in case.

Current Mood: nervous
Current Music: Canvas Dealers - Seven Below

the call

got a really strange phone call today.

woman called from something called "cognitive baseline research group" or something like that. very professional. very polite.

said my doctor had referred my case to them as part of a study on "individual variation in response to medications"

i asked what that meant and she said basically they're researching why some people don't respond to certain medications. said they're particularly interested in cases like mine where there's "complete non-response to harmony."

then she said they'd like me to come in for some tests. cognitive assessments. maybe a brain scan. "non-invasive, just to understand your neural baseline."

she said they'd pay $500 for one afternoon.

i asked where they're located. she gave me an address about 30 minutes away.

i said i'd think about it.

after i hung up i looked them up online. their website is pretty basic. corporate. they're listed as a subsidiary of something called "miter corporation."

i feel like i KNOW that name from somewhere. i can't remember where. it's driving me crazy. i know it's not the same company the doctor said makes harmony but i can't but my finger on it.

the woman said to call back if i'm interested. gave me her direct number.

$500 is a lot of money. and i'm curious why harmony isn't working on me.

but also. this feels weird right?

or am i just being paranoid again?

Current Mood: tired
Current Music: Morocca - Restless Soul

weird monday

mondays are always weird but today was especially weird.

spent most of the day working on layouts. took a break to go to the bookstore. bought three books i definitely don't have time to read.

saw someone i thought was conspiracy coffee shop guy from behind. same jacket. same posture. got excited for a second. turned out to be a completely different person.

still haven't heard anything from my doctor about the harmony situation.

been thinking about that symbol again. the one from the dream. i put the drawing in a folder on my desk. keep pulling it out and looking at it. still don't know what it means.

everything feels slightly off lately but i can't pinpoint why.

Current Mood: annoyed
Current Music: Plastica - Signal

doctor follow-up

finally got a call back from my doctor's office about the harmony thing.

told the nurse it's been three weeks and i'm not feeling any different. she put me on hold. came back and said the doctor wants me to stay on it for another few weeks - "sometimes it takes longer for some people."

i said i really don't think it's working. i feel exactly the same as before i started taking it.

more hold music.

then the nurse came back and said the doctor is going to "reach out to the manufacturer, Aurelian" to see if there are any known cases of non-response and what to do about it.

which seems like. a lot? for someone just not responding to medication? but whatever.

supposed to hear back in a few days.

still taking it. still feeling nothing.

Current Mood: envious
Current Music: Tear - Purple

happy valentine's day

spent valentine's day alone working on a website redesign. thrilling stuff.

sarah and mike went out to dinner. they invited me along which was sweet but also like. no thanks, i don't need to third wheel on valentine's day.

ordered thai food. watched some award show. had a small crisis about what i'm doing with my life.

the usual.

client wants "more visual interest" on their homepage. which could mean literally anything. gonna add some color gradients and hope for the best.

Current Mood: shocked
Current Music: too wired for music

can't sleep

I JUST HAD THE DREAM OF THE SHAPE AGAIN

i drew it again.

i KNOW this shape. but i don't know HOW i know it.

been sitting at my desk for the past hour just staring at what i drew. i wish i could upload it but i don't have a scanner.

i don't understand how i'm remembering this so clearly. when i draw it, it feels EXACT.

i'm not that precise when i'm TRYING. but i drew this half-asleep at 4am and it came out mathematically perfect.

it's sitting on my desk now. i keep looking at it.

i have no idea what this means or why my brain showed it to me.

going to try to sleep again. probably won't work but i have to try.

Current Mood: frustrated
Current Music: Fawn - Symphony

still not working

two weeks on harmony.

sarah asked today if it's helping. i lied and said yes.

because how do i explain that i feel NOTHING? no change. no calming effect. no emotional smoothing. nothing.

i'm still anxious. still obsessive. still seeing patterns everywhere.

everyone else who takes it becomes... calm. even. content.

i'm still just. me.

maybe i'm broken. maybe my brain chemistry is weird. maybe that's why i'm the only person i know who seems stressed all the time.

called my doctor's office to ask if the dosage might be wrong. left a message.

still taking it every day. at this point i don't even know why. habit? hope?

maybe some people just don't respond to it.

anyways i just pretend its working. maybe everyone else is too.

Current Mood: pissed off
Current Music: Heavy Approach - Motion Crawls

i'm not crazy

okay so i wasn't hallucinating.

was watching the news tonight. national news. and there was a brief segment about "unknown species discovered in residential area."

they showed footage. grainy. distant. but i could SEE it.

it was a creature like the thing i saw. different but the same kind of vibe. strange proportions.

the reporter said it was "a creature with unknown genetic lineage currently being studied by wildlife officials."

WILDLIFE OFFICIALS.

that thing was not wildlife.

they made it sound so normal. so mundane. "fascinating discovery for biologists" they said.

but the footage. if you really LOOKED at it. it was wrong.

and everyone in the comments online is just. talking about it like it's a new species of salamander or something.

"nature is so interesting!" "can't wait to learn more about this!" "amazing what we're still discovering!"

am i the only one who sees how CRAZY this is?

i tried to find more coverage. there's barely anything. one local news report from another state. same kind of creature. same "unknown genetic lineage" explanation.

same white van in the background of the footage.

what is going ON?

Current Mood: scared
Current Music: none

what the fuck

i need to write this down RIGHT NOW before i forget.

just woke up from the most vivid dream i've ever had in my life. not even a dream. something else.

there was a symbol. a cross but not a normal cross. geometric. precise. the arms were different lengths. circles at the ends of each arm. a perfect square in the center.

it was spinning. rotating in 3D. i could see every angle. every measurement. and i KNEW - the way you know things in dreams - that this shape was important. that it was DOING something.

it wasn't just floating there. it was... active? alive? i don't have the words.

my hands are shaking.

i got up and drew it. or tried to. i'm not sure i got it exactly right but it's close.

i've never drawn something from a dream this clearly before.

where did this come from?

WHY did i dream this?

Current Mood: confused
Current Music: Harborhead - Drifting Light

three days in

been taking harmony for three days now.

honestly? i don't feel much different. maybe sleeping slightly better? but that could be placebo effect.

sarah keeps asking how i'm feeling. mike keeps asking how i'm feeling. my mom called to ask how i'm feeling.

and i keep saying "good! better!" because that's what they want to hear.

but honestly? i feel exactly the same. still anxious. still not sleeping great. still noticing every weird thing.

maybe it takes longer to work? the bottle says "effects may take 2-4 weeks."

or maybe i'm just resistant to medication. wouldn't be the first time.

everyone else seems to feel it working immediately though.

whatever. i'll keep taking it.

Current Mood: depressed
Current Music: Hazy Moon - Disappear With You

giving in

went to the doctor today.

told her i've been having trouble sleeping. feeling isolated. stressed. anxious. she listened and nodded and asked some questions and then said exactly what i knew she'd say. it was almost like deja vu.

"have you considered harmony?"

i explained that i've been hesitant about medication. she said she understood but that harmony isn't like traditional antianxiety medication. it's "adaptive" and "works with your natural chemistry" and has "minimal side effects."

she said half her patients are on it. said it's part of a regional wellness initiative. said my insurance covers it completely.

i sat there for a long time just. thinking.

and then i said okay.

picked up the prescription on the way home. the bottle is sitting on my desk right now. small white pills. "take one daily with food."

sarah texted me asking how the appointment went. i told her. she sent back like five exclamation points and "i'm so proud of you!!!"

which felt weird? but also kind of nice?

i don't know. maybe everyone's right. maybe i just need to relax.

starting tomorrow morning.

Current Mood: distressed
Current Music: Harborhead - Outlaws

i think i'm losing it

something really fucked up happened today and i don't know how to process it.

i was at the coffee shop this afternoon. sitting by the window working on a layout. and i saw something outside.

i don't even know how to describe it. it looked like an animal? but wrong. all wrong. the proportions were off. it moved in a way that didn't make sense. like its joints bent in directions they shouldn't.

it was just. there. in the middle of the street.

i looked around to see if anyone else was seeing this. a few people glanced at it. most people just. walked past it. like it was a dog or something normal.

i went outside. got closer. it was making this sound. not quite crying. not quite anything i've heard before.

this woman walked past me and said very calmly "oh, how unusual" and kept walking.

FUCKING UNUSUAL??

then this van showed up. white. no markings. two people in hazmat-type suits got out. they had this equipment. they. collected it. put it in a container. loaded it in the van. left.

the whole thing took maybe five minutes.

i asked the barista if she saw that and she said "saw what?"

I SAW WHAT.

the THING. in the STREET.

she just looked confused.

i feel insane. i FEEL insane.

but i saw it. i know i saw it.

Current Mood: restless
Current Music: Shifty - Overtaken

insomnia thoughts

couldn't sleep last night. laid awake until like 4am just staring at the ceiling thinking about nothing and everything.

tried counting sheep. tried reading. tried listening to music. nothing worked.

finally fell asleep around 5am and had to wake up at 8 for a client call. i probably sounded half-dead on the phone but they didn't say anything.

made way too much coffee today. hands are shaking. probably should eat something besides coffee and anxiety.

been thinking about taking sarah's advice. about seeing a doctor. about the harmony thing. i don't know. i'm just so tired of being the only person who seems stressed out all the time.

everyone else seems fine. maybe i should just... try to be fine too?

Current Mood: lonely
Current Music: Heavy Approach - Seraph

isolation

made a list today.

people i know who are on harmony:

sarah (since november)
mike (since late december)
my mom (since late december)
my downstairs neighbor
the entire staff at my coffee shop
my dentist
at least 10 people from my AIM contacts who've mentioned it
sarah's sister
mike's roommate
the guy who does my taxes

people i know who AREN'T on harmony:

me
conspiracy coffee shop guy
???

i can't think of anyone else.

tried to hang out with sarah today. we got coffee (different coffee shop, the usual one feels weird now) and i tried to have a real conversation about how i've been feeling isolated lately.

she listened. she was supportive. she said all the right things.

but it felt like she was reading from a script.

i miss my best friend.

except she's sitting right there. she's just... not there.

i don't know how to explain it.

went home and cried for like an hour. then felt stupid for crying. then cried more because i felt stupid.

this is fine. everything is fine. i'm fine.

Current Mood: distressed
Current Music: Harborhead - Highways

same smile

i need to document this because i feel like i'm losing my mind.

went to three different places today:

post office
pharmacy
grocery store

at the post office, the clerk smiled at me. specific smile. friendly but not too friendly. helpful but not too helpful.

at the pharmacy, different person. SAME SMILE. exact same expression.

at the grocery store, the cashier. SAME. SMILE.

i stood in the parking lot after and just... stared at my car for like five minutes trying to process this.

it's not that everyone is being nice. people are nice. that's normal. it's that they're being nice in the EXACT same way. same facial expression. same head tilt. same tone.

i feel insane writing this down.

called sarah to talk about it and she said "people smile when they're happy. isn't that nice? everyone seems so much happier lately."

and she's RIGHT. everyone DOES seem happier.

but happiness is supposed to look different on different people. right?

i asked if she'd noticed everyone acting similar and she just said "similar how?" and i couldn't explain it in a way that didn't make me sound paranoid.

so i dropped it.

maybe i AM paranoid. maybe i'm so used to people being stressed and anxious that normal calm happiness looks weird to me.

but i don't think that's it.

Current Mood: relieved
Current Music: none (too tired)

y2k aftermath

well. the world didn't end.

computers seem fine. power stayed on. no planes fell out of the sky.

spent new year's eve at sarah's party. everyone counted down. everyone cheered. everyone seemed genuinely happy and celebratory and normal.

i was kind of expecting... i don't know. more chaos? more nervousness?

instead it was just a regular new year's party except everyone kept making jokes about the new millennium.

mike tried to get philosophical about it. "what are you going to do differently in 2000?" he asked everyone.

i said "probably nothing" and everyone laughed but i was serious.

went home at 1am. couldn't sleep. everything feels the same as yesterday except now i have to remember to write 2000 instead of 1999.

happy new year i guess.

Current Mood: restless
Current Music: Bjorna - Terra

y2k and other anxieties

everyone's freaking out about y2k except the people who should probably be a little concerned about it?

sarah works in IT. she used to talk about the potential computer problems CONSTANTLY. now when i bring it up she just says "it'll be fine. everything will be fine."

mike works at a bank. he's not worried at all either. says "the systems are stable."

my mom called today panicking about whether to stock up on water and canned goods and i was like "yeah probably a good idea to have some extra supplies just in case" and she agreed.

then she mentioned that her doctor recommended harmony for her stress levels and she started taking it last week.

cool cool cool cool cool!

i'm probably going to be the only person awake at midnight on new year's watching the world maybe end while everyone else is completely calm about it.

went to the coffee shop (my safe space at this point) and conspiracy guy was still missing.

thanks for making me feel worried about someone i barely even know, random coffee shop guy.

Current Mood: uncomfortable
Current Music: Static Mind - Crawling Up The Walls

pattern recognition

okay this is going to sound insane but i need to write it down.

went holiday shopping today. hit like five different stores. and i started noticing something.

everyone - and i mean EVERYONE - who was working retail had this... same energy? like they were all calm and pleasant and helpful but in the exact same WAY. same smile. same tone of voice. same "happy to help you" delivery.

which like, i know retail workers are trained to act a certain way. i KNOW that. but this felt different.

at the bookstore, i asked the guy for a recommendation and he just... paused for a weirdly long time. then smiled and said "whatever you choose will be perfect." not helpful? but delivered like it was the most helpful thing he could say?

then at the electronics store, same thing. asked which printer was better and the woman said "they're all good choices" with that same smile.

i'm probably reading into this. holiday season is stressful and everyone's probably exhausted and running on autopilot.

but it felt WEIRD.

also went to dinner with sarah and mike after and mike told the same story he told me last week. word for word the same story. about his coworker's dog. when i said "you told me this already" he just smiled and said "oh" and kept eating.

sarah either didn't notice or she didn't care that he'd repeated himself.

i don't know which is weirder.

Current Mood: confused
Current Music: Heavy Approach - Rainfall

maybe i'm just tired

had dinner with sarah and mike tonight. it was... fine? good even? but also kind of weird?

sarah's been on that medication (harmony) for about a month now and she just seems really... calm. which is great! she used to get so anxious about everything. like she'd stress about being five minutes late or whether she said the wrong thing at work. and now she's just. even. about everything.

we went to this new restaurant and they completely messed up her order. brought her chicken when she ordered fish. old sarah would have been so uncomfortable about sending it back. but she just smiled and said "oh this is fine too" and ate the chicken.

which like don't get me wrong it sounds great. i'm happy for her. but it's also... i don't know. it doesn't feel like sarah? sarah HATES chicken. i just feel like she usually would have said something.

mike says he's thinking about starting harmony too. his doctor recommended it.

i'm probably just being weird. change is good. people should be less anxious.

right?